Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Incontinence Aisle

A few days ago, Ashley & I were at Walmart. I tend to get giddy and a little silly when I go places without my children. Occasionally, my silliness bubbles over and makes itself known to the world at large. We were walking down the main part of the store, and I was looking at the signs that say what is in each aisle, when I saw one that said, among other things, "incontinence." There were three people shopping in the end of that aisle. I said, in a loud projecting voice, "That is the incontinence aisle!" They looked at each other like "Okay, she's a weirdo." A minute later, we were walking back that way, and I took another look at the people in the "incontinence aisle," and I realized that it was my parent's (and Ashley's) next door neighbors.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ashley Bashley

The severed arm trick made me think of a few good Ashley stories, so I dedicate this entry to Ashley. (We'll have to do one for Todd soon!) When she was smaller, we used to compare her to the fairies from Peter Pan. They were too small to feel any emotion but one at a time, but that one they felt absolutely and completely. Ashley was this way. I remember one time when Bruce had made her mad for some reason or another. He was laying on the living room floor (WHAT, Bruce laying on the living room floor?!). Enraged, she came running at him, full steam with a large cardboard box that she was going to paste him good with. He stuck his foot up, but she couldn't see it over the box. The box bounced off his foot, and sent her flying backwards a few feet to land on her back. She was soo mad!

Then there was the time she got her first sunburn that peeled. She was in her room changing cloths and we heard this terrified scream "MOOOM!" She thought she had leprosy. Funny, Funny!
You've got to love Ashley though! My children are wild about Aunt Ashley.
We have this silly family group portrait. I have a large one hanging on my living room wall (or I will again, if I ever finish the darn painting). Mom got a bunch of them made up for X-mas cards. Ashley sent one to her neurologist, who shes periodically about her seizures. He put it into her file, and the next time she came in, he said "I can't believe you sent this to a brain doctor!" He thought it was funny. Here it is, but the colors came out weird when it transferred to blogger. I don't know why.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Scary Stuff

Yes, I remember that.

That was always what Mom and Dad told us kidnappers were most likely to say to us before kidnapping us. I was not so scared of kidnappers as you were Renae. You should tell about how very traumatized you were by dad's kidnapper stories. I don't really remember them, except that the alley behind our house on 5th st. was supposed to be, by us kids, to be a major traffic area for kidnappers.

Speaking of scary things, one staple of our TV-less entertainment was the haunted houses we used to make in our basement. As I have said before, our basement had twisty, uneven cement steps that led into an unfinished dark room that was somehow made of mostly dark corners. The whole basement had a lovely haunted feel to it. Me, Renae and Brad were the principle actors in the spook alleys we used to have in the basement all the time. Chris L, Kathleen or Eric F chipped in occasionally as I recall. I cant rememeber much about them except that we spent alot of time discussing possible lighting and sound effects, and came up with some stuff that we though was scary anyway. I LOVED being scared, but I loved scaring other people even better. One chronic problem was that after we had reciuted all our friends to be in our spook alley, there was no one left in the neighborhood to go into it and be scared by it. We used to covet masks and props that as kids we could not afford. ( Aside: I bought a mask this last Friday as I can now afford one. I even put it on a for bit whilst I was writing this but it was getting hot inside). The sound track for all our haunted houses was a Disney sound effects record that I was thrilled and chilled to find on line a year ago:

http://forbiddencrypts.250free.com/DisneyChillingSounds.html

This record was SO AWESOME back then. Dad rented it from the library and it scared the very devil out of us. After that we used it for all our spook alleys. I have since bought other "spooky" sound effects CDs and tapes over the years and have always been disappointed. The first track on side one was our favorite. Track 1 side 2 was our second favorite.

Renae- we ought to some year have a terrifying haunted house in at Halloween time in your basement. It would be a riot. Whaddaya think? Mebbe I'll recriut some kids up here and haunt my house this year.

MMMM! do you remeber staying up on Halloween to listen to the Halloween Spooktackular on KMOX? They'd broad cast spooky stories and we'd start out sitting still, listening like- yeah this is not scary to me... then the second story would come on, and we'd be getting a bit fidgety and jumpy. Then the third story would come on and we'd have to run out of them room in terror- for short periods of time. I do love Halloween.

Did Becky and Ginger ever tell you about Bloody Mary? Supposedly if you look in a mirror in a dark room and say "bloody Mary" three times over, Bloody Mary will appear in the mirror. I did it once. At least I think I did- I got pretty scared and had to dash out of the room- Grandma and Grandpa Severs bathroom. I didn't see bloody mary that I recal, but Im not sure that I stayed around long enough to really find out.

I also one time tried saying the Lord's Prayer backwards. I got the idea from Huckleberry Finn, and I got the Lord's Prayer out of the Illustrated Bible Story books Mom and Dad have. It scared me, but nothing happened.

Mom never let us listen to pyschics for very long when they came on KMOX. Always a bitter disappointment.

Then there was the time I got a severed arm for Christmas. We left it stuck in the front door. Ashley was -- what 6-sh? She was traumatized for years. She would be instantly obediant if you threatened to go get The Arm.

She has gotten over it though. She was up here this last weekend and I put a severed arm that I had bought specifically for this purpose on her pillow while she was asleep. She only laughed. Drat.

What else used to be scary?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Playing Kidnappers

John, do you remember playing kidnappers? I just remembered that today. We were grade school age. We'd sit in our parents' car and tell kids passing by "Get in and I'll give you some candy."

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The End Is Near!

Speaking of people acting weird in high school. I remember once when John's notebook cover tore off, he wrote "THE END IS NEAR!!" on it and tied it around his neck. He wore it all around school that day. Our assistant principal, Mr. Raich (the only person who could walk down a crowded hallway and punch every single person playfully in the arm) pulled me aside during lunch, sat me down and asked me "Is your brother okay?" He was really worried. He thought you were on drugs or something. I laughed and assured him that you were just being silly.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Chicken in a Biscuit

Speaking of Trent,who is great, remember when he used to go crazy any time anyone said "chicken in a bisciut" in his prescence? He explained that it gave him a huge energy burst and made him basically try to move every muscle in his body as fast as possible simutaneuosly.

Also, He used to have a whole list of words that if he heard them he would attack. As I remember he liked to hear "Chicken in a biscuit" but hated to hear:

Treacle, Pindrop, "shiing", Carl Sagan, Simon and Garfunkel, and several others.

I remember me and Todd shouting them all at him while he was on stage at City of Joseph, and supposed to be posing for those dumb publicity photos one night. The ones, you know, that take a billion years and you have to hold still for. It was great. The frustration was evident in every line of his posture. He also didnt like to hear : "I'm sqeeeeezed in the middle.. smack daaaaaaab in the middle" or "Thank you Cleeeeeevelaaaaand!"

hes so funny!
but he sucks at Tony Hawk.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Trent Head!


I think that our great little brother Trent deserves some space here. All of our siblings do, being all great, but I've just heard a plummy bit of Trentness that I want to share. I'll tell you about Todd and Ashley some other time. Anyway, Trent is our youngest sibling. He is almost 15 years younger than myself, and 17 years younger than John. This makes him about to turn 17 now. He is one heck of a great guy and one heck of a hoot! You've got to love Trent!
I heard about a thing that Trent did a couple of years ago, that I hadn't heard before. Maybe you have, John, I don't know. I had a good laugh, so I'll share. He took to writing "curses" out on slips of paper and hiding them around places like church and school for people to find. They would say something like "Anyone who reads this book will be cursed with flatulence unceasing!" or "Curses upon anyone who opens this locker!" He had one guy that was in about 3 or 4 of the same classes in a day with Trent, so Trent started to target him, just for kicks. He'd figure out ways to sneak "curses" onto his desk, and into his locker. This guy didn't know who was doing it, but Trent had a good time watching his reactions. He'd get up and yell "what the heck, another one!" Trent said that one time they were in computer lab, and he was keeping and eye on this kid, watching for when his cursor went up to the "print" part of the screen. He was ready, as soon as he saw this guy getting ready to print, he pushed the print on his computer, and made the printer print out a sheet of paper that said "CURSE YOU!!!"

As they all printed off of the same printer, this guy goes up to get his paper and gets Trent's curse and flips out!
"Who is it?! Who's doing that!"
The teacher was ticked off, but no one knew it was Trent, so no one got into trouble. Too funny!
A couple of years back they were at scout camp, and the first day, Trent went up to some kid from another troop, who he didn't know from Adam, and says
"You are my nemesis!"
He then followed this kid around for the rest of the week and messed with him. All in fun though. Lest anyone get the wrong impression, Trent is in no way a bully. He was just joking, and I'm sure the other kid knew it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Check Out This Video That I Just Ran Across!

We used to do this exact thing! The effect was pretty much the same too. Funny!
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Invisible_Rope_Prank/

Meeting Chad Parker

Me and Renae, as you likely know, grew up in a hard-core Mormon home. Our parents rarely missed a Sunday of church and then it would only be for illness. Twice a year they took us to "Stake Conference" which, for those of you who don't know, is where all the congregations in your "Stake" meet together for a two-hour Sunday service. That's roughly 10 congregations of roughly 200 people each. So, 2000-ish people, 90% of whom were almost complete strangers to me and my sister, sitting in the same meeting hall for 2 hours listening to sermons.

Well, we actually liked Stake Conference, (or at least I did), because:

1) It was an hour shorter than our normal weekly services.
2) Mom and Dad anticipated that we would be bored bored bored, which would equate to squirrly squirrly squirrly, so they let us bring what they called "Survival Kits" which meant drawing paper, books, toys, all sorts of things that we usually did not get to have at church.

But even without the Survival Kits we found ways to pass the time.

For one thing, 1800 new people translated to 1800 fresh victims, with the added bonus that we would not be seeing any of them again anytime soon.

(A quick aside to that: about age 7 or so, after having been to 14 semi-annual Stake Conferences, I started to recognize people at them. I remember being horribly fascinated every conference by this one baby with a grotesque looking birth defect, who always seemed to be sitting about four or so rows ahead of us. A few years later, I also started making associations like : "All the weird looking people are from Edwardsville Ward" )

One game Renae and I made up to pass the time was to pick one random member of the throng and try to bore holes into the backs of their heads with our eyes. I remember both of us staring for minutes on end before our victim even became aware of us. But once they noticed we got to watch them squirm. I also recall, after the meeting let out, and Mom and Dad were glad handing around, we would seek out the people we had stared at during church, and follow them around the halls... at a safe distance. We were weird but not always brave.

One conference we picked out this kid roughly our age (he turned out to be exactly two days younger than me) and we found a winner. He could not stand being stared at. He squirmed. He gave us funny looks. He poked his brother and told him about us. They both gave us odd looks together. They tried to ignore us. Vain Vain Vain. He turned around and began making the most hideous, hilarious faces at us. I have to hand it to him, the faces were really good. I lost my composure and broke eye contact, laughing. But as soon as I could stop laughing, I jumped right back on that horse and continued my staring.

He made it so worth our while to stare at him, that 6 months later, when the next conference rolled around, we looked specifically for him. We didn't know his name or anything about him, but we remembered him from the last conference and started in a-staring, again. Again, it was sooo worth it.

I don't know how old we were when we started this. But it went on for years. Literally. Every conference we found the same kid and stared, never knowing anything about him at all. Sometimes we shook things up by staring at his brother for a short break. It is not exaggerating to say this went on for a minimum of 2 years, and most likely 3-4. I remember being 13, and seeing him in the hall after conference talking to a pretty girl (one of the Dukes). He spotted me, stopped, pointed, leaned over to the girl and began to whisper. I ran for it.

We stopped staring at this nameless kid eventually, but only because our family moved.

We moved into the Edwardsville ward.

The one with the weird looking people.

On our first Sunday there I surveyed my new peer group, nervously hoping that I might be able to convince them that I was cool, or barring that at least get them to think I was normal. I was 14. Nervous.
I looked around studying the kids, watching them interact, thinking, evaluating, hoping, worrying.

The staring kid walked in. He sat down with his family. He talked, chatted, joked. He was obviously not a new kid here. I was doomed.

It turned out that not only was he was in our ward but he was my age. He was in my Sunday school class, and in my teacher's quorum, the quorum president in fact. He was in my new scout troop. He was born within 2 days of me for crying out loud! - I would never ever ever be able to be away from him!

I had to sit in a 10x10 class room with him that first Sunday. Dude, that sucked.

Well, he never mentioned it. Not to my face anyway. He turned out to be smart, witty, funny. He even got my bizarre sense of humour alot of the time. We wound up being friends. Chad Parker.

Last time I saw him was at Christmas time 2006. Liz and I had driven back to our home town for my brother Todd's wedding, and went to church the next day in our tuxedo's and bridesmaid dresses. We came in a tad late and I spotted Chad in the congregation, also back in town for the holidays. I gave him a goofy look that tried to say: "HEY DUDE!!!!" and "Yes, yes, this is how my family always dresses for church-what's your problem?" at the same time. We laughed.
That's good stuff.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Satan Loves You

Yeah, now that you mention it I do remember the square head guy. I also remember you (Renae) doing that wierd thing you do with your eyes and running up to strangers in the mall moaning: "Saaataan loooooooooves you!" (Did Amy do that one with you?)(Also, remember the truth or dare sessions we used to have with that crowd?)

Remember the time Alton Square Mall security kicked us out and told us we could never ever come back? We were with two of your friends- can't remeber thier names- another brother and sister though. He was blond, she was attractive as I recall, (but then I was a teenager, all girls were.) I also cannot remeber why the Mall kicked us out. This might have been the night that we picked these two whose names escape me up in the old station wagon. You were driving, and you backed out of their driveway the wrong way onto... whatever that street is... the big 4 lane where the Roxana Cine used to be... 111... yeah. Anyhow you backed out the wrong way, so that we were now facing oncoming traffic. We all screamed, and you corrected by flipping a U.

Which, if you think about it, means we were now in the opposite lane, again facing oncoming traffic, heading the other way. So we all screamed some more. This time you swerved back into the lane we had originally been in, so we finally had oncoming traffic behind us. But facing the opposite of the direction we wanted to go.

Which puts me in mind of the time you, me, Chris LaBoube, and Candy Albert all got lost in East St. Louis... but that's another story!

John Drives Renae To School

I was always late for school -gasp! You?! No!- I was actually late so many times that I got suspended once or twice for too many tardies. Anyway, my junior and senior year, John was graduated, and could drive, so I'd often go and wake him up and beg him to drive me to school (I normally walked) so I wouldn't be late. He'd drive me to school many times dressed in nothing but a pair of cut off sweatpants and a blanket. I remember one day when I had done this, I was sitting in my home room when this girl comes in with her eyes popping and she says something like this: "Oh my gosh! There was this weird guy wearing a blanket out there! He jumped out of his car and went 'Bbllaahh!' at me!" or something like that. I had a little giggle to myself! What exactly did you do?

The Dairy Queen Drive Through

Speaking of getting kicked out of places, (I didn't realize how frequently it seems that we did get kicked out of places.) we got kicked out of DQ several times for making faces at the people in the drive-through.

They had a small section around the back and to the side where you could go to eat your ice-cream. This had one window that was right next to the drive through. So, if you sat at that table, you were about 2 or 3 feet away from the people in the drive through, who were stuck there waiting in line. So, my favorite thing to do was to make faces at them or eat really grossly or just stare at them. It was funny to see who would react, and who would just pretend that they didn't see you. Eventually someone would tell on us when they got to the drive through window, and we'd get kicked out.

Square Head In The Mall

One time we were at the mall with Amy, Tom Gazda, Nathan & Logan Bryan, anyone else? I can't remember. We happened to see some poor guy with a squarish head. He was just a regular guy, no real reason for us to pick him out, but we all got in a single file line and followed the poor guy all around the mall.

Halloween Fun

One year on Halloween, we were playing tricks on our trick-or-treaters. I (Renae) answered the door and handed out the candy, dressed up as an old hag, while John, dressed in black (so he'd be harder to see) hid just out of sight on the other side of the roof. As soon as the people came to the door, and hence were under the porch roof, John would roll a dummy that we had made off of the roof. I'd then run out all distressed yelling something like "Oh no, my son!" That was fun, but it eventually backfired on us when we pulled the trick on some stinky teenagers. They grabbed our dummy and ran away with it. This was very bad because we had not only made it from our dad's clothes, but also had stuffed it with a sizable chunk of his wardrobe. I thought we were dead for sure! But John chased them down the road, and we got the dummy back.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Retarded in Halmark

There was that time when we (me and Renae) were in Halmark for some reason or other and I was going into my "retarded" act... It involved screwing up my hair, assuming a moronic, vacant expression, staring, using a faked speach impediment, using a faked brain impediment, playing recklessly with breakable objects. Renae assumed the role of my "keeper". So, while I was playing recklessly with a breakable Halmark figurine as part of my act, I all sort of,-broke it for real. We had to buy it.

We also did the retarded act occassionally while walking close to heavy traffic. I'd pretend to be trying to dash out in front of oncoming cars, and Renae pretended to be almost unable to restrain me.

Newspaper House

So, Renae and I did not start "hanging out" until we were in our later teens. Alot of reasons for this, but I think one way to sum them all up is as follows:

When we were kids, we did what is probably not uncommon for siblings to do, that is we (I think) deliberately tried to be as unalike as possible. At some point around 1990 though, we realized that we actually had quite alot in common after all.

We started going for long walks around our neighborhood, sometimes with friends, sometimes not. Sometimes at night, sometimes not. About the same time, we started playing follow the leader (see previous).

Remeber (of course you do) the newspaper house?
For some reason one night, we were out walking, and we started in picking up all the freebie newspapers that somebody had delivered earlier that day. This wasn't stealing exactly because nobody subscribes to these papers, they just show up. I guess they must have nothing in them but ads, I wouldn't know, I never looked. I think we must have thought it was funny to undo, for no reason whatsoever, what somebody had spent so much effort to do... and it was.

Wasn't long before we had as many papers as could be carried. What to do with them? We picked somebody's lawn at random, and dumped the lot. How many papers was it? Well, I am sure I was carrying as many as one person could, so like 30 or so at least and I think Renae had about as many. And I think we had a couple friends along too. So it could be around 100. We thought it was hilarious. So we did it again a few nights later, to the same house. I can't remeber how many times we repeated this gag, but we always made sure we found that same house. We never had any idea who lived there.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Birds

I'm going back a generation on this one, but it's such a funny story, that it deserves to be shared.

One night when our dad was about 12ish, his parents left him and his siblings home alone while they went out to a church meeting. While they were gone there was a cloud burst. It poured down for a few minutes. It came up so suddenly and so hard that the birds didn't have time to get to any shelter. He and his brother came out, and there were a mess of birds whose feathers had gotten so wet that they couldn't fly. They could just go up to them and catch them! Catch them they did, about 20 or 30 of them. They brought them into the house and put them under boxes, jars, baskets, whatever, thinking that they could keep them as pets. Well, after about an hour, their feathers dried off and they could fly again. When their parents came home, there were about 20 or 30 birds flying around inside the house. Can you imagine?! Bird poop everywhere! Dad said that Grandma was Furious! Too funny!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Something Lost of Old Found



I posted this on my blog a long time ago, but it was so funny, and being months ago, some of you may have missed it.


We had an elderly woman, who was rather bad tempered, living next door to us when we were kids. Her name was Francis. We lived in constant fear of accidentally throwing a ball or something over the fence, into her yard. She would kill you if she caught you in her yard even for a second! Anyway, as our houses were both next to my grandpa's grocery store, and as she lived there for several decades, she knew the family very well. And having no family of her own, my uncles who worked at the store did lots of things for her and she sort of adopted them, and vis-versa. Anyway, when she died, about a year ago, she left the house to someone in the family. My uncle David was cleaning out the house, and he found this board in the shed. You'll have to click on it to read it. Too funny! I vaguely remember something about John trying to set up a toll booth in the alley behind our houses. The sign mysteriously disappeared, and we were greatly miffed. Well, now the mystery is solved: Francis, probably disgusted with our antics, basely stole our sign.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

John's Mail to Fake People

Yes, John invented a lot of fake people for me to get junk mail for. He must have spent a couple of hours filling out a huge stack of business reply cards with my address and goofy names. This would have been about a year and a half ago. I was pregnant with Justice. Here are some of the names that I can remember:

Jon Potte Outhouse-- I still get mail for him, usually outdoor / camping catalogs
Lydianous -- Still get this one- life insurance
Bruce Nathornious - Yup, still get that one
Bruce Gaylord - Yup
Bruce and Ross Theater of Pain - Parenting magazine- I canceled- I'll put that story below
The Nudist Society of Bethalto - still get that one, usually yoga clothing catalogs
Chubbie - pregnancy / baby stuff - haven't got that one in a while
Tubbie - same as above
Fats - ditto
Gordon B. Hinckley - Yes, John is about to be eaten by she-bears any second.
Something about gay & lesbians, I can't quite remember that one.
Mrs. Rabbity M. Geropostal
Hardy Dumper - L.L. Bean Catalog

That's all I can think of for now. About the Theater of Pain. We got a bill from Parenting Magazine, so I had to call and cancel the subscription. I had to tell the lady on the phone the name on the account!

Brad

To do this blog right we have to introduce Brad pretty soon. A year older than me, we often talked about how cool it would be if he got held back a grade in school so that we would be in the same grade. I still dont know for sure if Brad intentionally engineering his failing 3rd grade or not, but fail he did, and we were in the same grade the rest of our lives and we were glad about it. As to if he flunked on purpose, all I can say is I would not put it past him.

Frankly there was not much you could put past Brad.

Both parents seemed to be gone from home at work all the time, so Brad had alot more personal freedom than I did. Alot more access to the telephone, so he made alot more prank calls than I ever got to. I was admiring and jealous. He had money to buy all kinds of electronic gadgets, which we would take apart and put back together in his laborotory. His parent's had a garage, but we always called it the lab instead.

Prank calls was his way of life. (Last time I checked in with him, 5 years or so ago, they still were, actaually). He picked an old lady more or less at random, and made a very regular target of her. (5 or so years ago, she was still a regular on his hit list) Ordering pizza to other peoples houses... limos, cabs, chicken... anything that people would deliver, he ordered, for other people. He was the brains that came up with the idea of filling out business reply mail cards for other people, that resulted in the creation of an imaginary Vincent Sever who my parents get mail for to this day.

I recently saw and raised this gag to marvelous effect, did I not Renae?

He and I lived in perpetual fear of the operator, who could trace calls, and of people who had tracing machines at thier house. To push zero on the phone was an act of extreme moxy that I couldn't really pull off, but Brad occasionally pranked even the operator. We had susperstitions about how you could tell if your victim had a "tracer"... you had to listen for a humming in the background. This lead to us building a huge data base of the phone numbers for various pay telephones in the area. Because we knew they were completely safe to call-no tracers. We used to jot down numbers of payphones when we were out and call each other to share them as soon as we got home. We had over 100 numbers.

He and I invented "tieing up the block" which meant we would get a spool of thread and wrap it (or try to) around the block on which we lived. We tried one end to the back of our bikes, and lodged the spool end some where so it would pay out as we went.

I could go on. more later...

John Digs a Hole in the Roof

This one cracked me up so bad! (But Diana, our neighbor, remarked to me that she thought John was a lunatic.)

John was about 17ish, and Dad was having a new roof put on the house. John grabbed a snow sled and dragged it up onto the roof. He filled it with old shingled and placed it just out of sight, on the back side of the roofs peak. He got a shovel, and proceeded to throw shovels full of shingles into the air yelling "I'm digging a hole in the roof!" like an utter maniac! It was very funny!

--Renae

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Another clever act of violence in the basement

The basement of old house on fifth street where we grew up also had a few other features that lent themselves to neferious activity.

Understand first that this is an old and mostly unfinished basement with a truly eclectic assortment of sizes and shapes of stair steps on the way down. The floor was bare concrete, as were the stairs. At the foot of the stairs a metal water pipe crossed the ceiling in such a way that you could leap out from the second or third stair, reach out and catch hold of this pipe, and swing into the basement instead of merely walking into it- if you were in that sort of mood.

Renae and I had bedrooms in the finished section of the basement, but you had to go through the unfinished section to get to them.

I was roughly 10 or so and was spending my time in my room, laying out plans for world domination, or reading about dinosaurs, or playing with my homemade action figures, or one of my other normal pasttimes. Renae had a friend over, and they kept going up and down stairs, making lots of noise, I think deliberately to annoy me. Renae showed her friend- Kat was her name, I think- about the swinging pipe, and so everytime they came running downstairs making annoying girl racket- (and it wasn't just that it was girl racket that bugged me either I don't think- seems like Renae was showing off for her friend and that bugged me too- actaully looking back I can't remeber what it was that got to me so much- maybe it was just that they were ignoring me and I came up with this evil plan as an attention seeking gimic...WHATEVER! )

The point is, it occurred to me that a good thing to put on that pipe while they were inbetween comings and goings, would be Crisco. So I waited until they were out of the house, went up to the kitchen and got some. Applied it generously to the pipe. Went back to my lair and waited for the ineveitable. Evilly.

Kat was the one that got it. Running down the stairs, soaring out into the air, gripping at the pipe, but failing to keep a grip... falling hard and flat on her back, and banging her skull on the unforgiving, unfinished, concrete basement floor...

If I had come up behind her and hit her that hard with a rock I'd have been in big trouble, naturally. But I do not remember ever getting into trouble for it. I am not sure if I ever felt any remorse about it for that matter. And now I have a funny story to tell as an adult. hmmm... is there a moral in this? I do not know, but there it is.

Ps: I do feel somewhat bad- Sorry Kat, where ever you are!

John Nearly Blinds Renae

There was a hole in the kitchen floor, in the house where we spent our childhood. It was over by the stove, about the size of a quarter, where a pipe had previously been. We used to throw things down this hole, and look at each other through it. I'd try to spy on John through it. (This didn't work very well, because the hole was right next to the wall. So, unless John was standing in that very corner of the basement, I couldn't see him.)

One day John and I had a fight, and he was really mad at me, for some reason. He went into the basement and called up:

"Renae, come and look down the hole."

I did, and he hit me in the eye with a broom handle. No provable permanent damage, so I'll forgive him.