Friday, August 08, 2008

Sister Excersly: Staple Bacon to Your Face!

While I was in highschool I was required to go to church every Tuesday for "Seminary". This was just a church class for teenagers. I liked going cause all my friends were there, and while it was supposed to be like a real highschool class where you got a grade and all, there didn't seem to be any real consequences to getting a failing grade so that's what I got. I tried to do the homework once or twice but it was sooooo mind bogglingly cheesy. Stuff along the lines of:

Chose one:
Jesus is
a) good
b) bad
c) neutral

...only with more rhetoric. It was really boring (the homework, I mean) and not even remotely challenging so I never did any. The homework was in this slick workbook that came from Church HQ in Salt Lake. It was green, and illustrated, and had 20 or so blank sheets in the back to record your "spiritual thoughts" on. I used the blank sheets to record my ideas for my Dungeons and Dragons campaign on. I liked the way my D+D stuff looked on the fancy-ish, green, semi-parchment.

But as dumb as the homework was, I liked going to class because, like I said, all my friends were there. Sister Excersly was our techer's name and she was pretty nice. I could tell she genuinely liked me. She cried during the lessons sometimes, I think more out of caring about us and the subject matter than from our poor behavior. I never listened in class, except for listening for chances to make a joke out of the lesson. For the most part, I thought the lessons were boring , except when we started talking about things like the nature of demons, witchcraft and if there really are ghosts. I had lots of questions then, but the teachers always changed the subject pretty quickly and they didn't really seem to know much about those subjects anyway. I was also interested in how God got to be God in the first place, and whether there were shortcuts.

Sister E never really yelled at me much, she just asked me to quiet down in a niceish way. Smart of her.

There was this one class once when she must have told me pretty firmly to shut up, because I did. Then I had nothing to do. The lesson was not about anything I cared about (like can the priesthood be used as an offensive weapon or is it for defense only?) and I didn't have any D+D ideas that day, so I fell to doodling in my workbook. Wierd Al had just come out with his Even Worse album, and I had the song "You Make Me" stuck in my head. This great song includes the lines:

You make me wanna break the laws of time and space
You make me wanna eat pork
You make me wanna staple bacon to my face
Then remove 'em with a pitchfork!
There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly put my finger on it!

So after drawing horns, blackeyes, missing teeth, tails - the normal junk- on everyone in my illustated book, I sketched some bacon stapled to the face of one of the Bible guys in one of the pictures. Then, to make it clear, I added the caption : "Staple Bacon to Your Face!". We had to turn these workbooks in to be graded, but I didn't care if I failed. (I did fail BTW- I never graduated seminary, despite attending most of my highschool years. Instead, I got 4 F's)

Next week Sister Excersly cornered me after class with my workbook. She got me off alone and opened to the "Staple Bacon to your Face!" picture.

"John," She said in a very kind, caring manner, that let me know that she liked me, period, buuuuut... "John... this is a picture of Our Savior"

Well, I hadn't noticed at the time I was doodling. Just another fella in a robe. I felt bad, but only cause Sis E, who I liked alot, was upset for some reason. I acted somewhat contrite to get her to smile at me, but I didn't really see what the big deal was.