Friday, August 08, 2008

Sister Excersly: Staple Bacon to Your Face!

While I was in highschool I was required to go to church every Tuesday for "Seminary". This was just a church class for teenagers. I liked going cause all my friends were there, and while it was supposed to be like a real highschool class where you got a grade and all, there didn't seem to be any real consequences to getting a failing grade so that's what I got. I tried to do the homework once or twice but it was sooooo mind bogglingly cheesy. Stuff along the lines of:

Chose one:
Jesus is
a) good
b) bad
c) neutral

...only with more rhetoric. It was really boring (the homework, I mean) and not even remotely challenging so I never did any. The homework was in this slick workbook that came from Church HQ in Salt Lake. It was green, and illustrated, and had 20 or so blank sheets in the back to record your "spiritual thoughts" on. I used the blank sheets to record my ideas for my Dungeons and Dragons campaign on. I liked the way my D+D stuff looked on the fancy-ish, green, semi-parchment.

But as dumb as the homework was, I liked going to class because, like I said, all my friends were there. Sister Excersly was our techer's name and she was pretty nice. I could tell she genuinely liked me. She cried during the lessons sometimes, I think more out of caring about us and the subject matter than from our poor behavior. I never listened in class, except for listening for chances to make a joke out of the lesson. For the most part, I thought the lessons were boring , except when we started talking about things like the nature of demons, witchcraft and if there really are ghosts. I had lots of questions then, but the teachers always changed the subject pretty quickly and they didn't really seem to know much about those subjects anyway. I was also interested in how God got to be God in the first place, and whether there were shortcuts.

Sister E never really yelled at me much, she just asked me to quiet down in a niceish way. Smart of her.

There was this one class once when she must have told me pretty firmly to shut up, because I did. Then I had nothing to do. The lesson was not about anything I cared about (like can the priesthood be used as an offensive weapon or is it for defense only?) and I didn't have any D+D ideas that day, so I fell to doodling in my workbook. Wierd Al had just come out with his Even Worse album, and I had the song "You Make Me" stuck in my head. This great song includes the lines:

You make me wanna break the laws of time and space
You make me wanna eat pork
You make me wanna staple bacon to my face
Then remove 'em with a pitchfork!
There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly put my finger on it!

So after drawing horns, blackeyes, missing teeth, tails - the normal junk- on everyone in my illustated book, I sketched some bacon stapled to the face of one of the Bible guys in one of the pictures. Then, to make it clear, I added the caption : "Staple Bacon to Your Face!". We had to turn these workbooks in to be graded, but I didn't care if I failed. (I did fail BTW- I never graduated seminary, despite attending most of my highschool years. Instead, I got 4 F's)

Next week Sister Excersly cornered me after class with my workbook. She got me off alone and opened to the "Staple Bacon to your Face!" picture.

"John," She said in a very kind, caring manner, that let me know that she liked me, period, buuuuut... "John... this is a picture of Our Savior"

Well, I hadn't noticed at the time I was doodling. Just another fella in a robe. I felt bad, but only cause Sis E, who I liked alot, was upset for some reason. I acted somewhat contrite to get her to smile at me, but I didn't really see what the big deal was.


Anonymous said...

wow, this is one i hadn't heard. i have only concern; why doesn't this surprize me? love you.

Brad Carter said...

Did you remind her that Jesus had his hands nailed to a cross, so he would likely just shrug off teeny little staples in the face?

Brad Carter said...

By the way, I ran out and bought Even Worse as soon as it was released. Did I ever expose you to Dare To Be Stupid when I copied it from my neighbor?

Anonymous said...

*snort* no I didn't think of that.

Oh Yes! "Dare to me Stupid" has been a mantra for most of my life! I don't remember you exposing me to that one though, although maybe you did... Actually I think it was Eric Foiles... He had a VHS of Wierd Al videos that included Dare To be Stupid. A man wrapped in Bandages! Dayglow green bandages, cutting a kiwi! Did you see the video?


Anonymous said...

"Be stupid" not "me stupid"

Go ahead, laugh.

Brad Carter said...

Yep, I actually watched that tape with Eric at his house once. That was great stuff.

jbcrider said...

You only had to go once a week!! I had to go every day at 6am. It was Ok until I realized my D & C teacher did not understand anything she taught. We had to explain to her Promised Land = America and JS translated not wrote the BoM. I hated that class. We did not get grades. I am sure I graduated seminary but do not remember. I used the time over the 4 years mostly to flirt with girls, make fun of Old testament names, and argue with the dumb things the teachers said. Good times...

timpani76 said...

Sister Eckersley was hilarious. I had her for early morning seminary for a year. You know, I think I only went one year due to my mom thinking Elise would actually get up that early to take me to it.

Dana Cheryl said...

Wow! I'm glad I joined the Church later and missed out on those good times. (Or maybe I should be sad... Oh well) I'm just glad I didn't have to go to anything at 6 a.m.!