Monday, March 23, 2009

Shopping With Ashley

When Ashley was getting ready to graduate from High School, Mom gave me a largish sum of money, and asked me to take Ashley shopping to buy her a nice, new dress to wear to graduation, and an awards banquet. We went to the mall, and after a couple of hours, we found just the right dress and a new pair of shoes to go with it. The dress must have been on sale or something, because we still had about $50 left.

We decided to play a little trick on Mom. We stopped off at Wal-Mart on the way home, to find an alternate outfit. We picked out a skirt and blouse that when combined, the effect was truly hideous. The fabrics were light and floaty, so it would look like someone could possibly actually want to wear them to something nice maybe, but NEVER together. Our skirt was a shade of pink, with a pattern on it. Both shade and pattern clashed nicely with our floaty, pink, patterned blouse (which was literally about 10 sizes too big). Cackling to ourselves, we headed over to the shoe department where we found a pair of sandals with red lights across the top, and on the bottom, that flashed when you walk (like the kinds that kids wear all of the time, except they were actually in Ashley's size).

When we got home, we left the nice outfit out in the car. Mom of course wanted to see what we'd bought, so Ashley changed into the UGLY outfit. Out she came, like a smack in the eyeball - all clashing, with that blouse so big that it looked like she had borrowed it from Harry Potter's Madame Maxine, and those shoes just a flashing... Ashley played her part perfectly. She acted all excited like she just loved her new outfit! She was especially excited about the shoes.

"I want to graduate with a bang!"

I just played it off like "...well, that's what she really wanted..." Mom was trying not to panic, and not succeeding in her efforts to hide the fact that she thought the outfit was horrible.

"Isn't that blouse a bit big?" Mom asked.

"I really like it! You can take it in, can't you?"

"um ... well, I guess so... if that's what you really want... are you sure...?" Mom replied, looking a bit queasy.

Oh, it was just too funny! Eventually we let Mom off the hook, and showed her the real outfit. She was immensely relieved! The hideous outfit was of course taken back to Wal-Mart.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Belching Contest

Have I ever told you how much I adore my piano teacher Harlan? Well, the fact that I named a child after the man should give you a clue. He is the best teacher ever (next to Jesus), and just an all around terrific person. He definitely makes my top 3 list of people unrelated to me.

Anyway back in the day, I was a music student at the local community college. (Harlan was my piano teacher, the music theory teacher, the head of the Music Department, and all of us students were in total awe of him. We used to call him the "god of music.") At a particularly difficult time in my life, school was definitely my bright spot. I had lots of good friends and was learning things I loved. In the music building, there was a tiny conference room where we music students hung out between classes, did our homework, and goofed off in general. In this room, there were 3 stalls with doors not unlike the kinds in bathroom stalls (except these were wooden). These stalls were equipped with computer things designed to help you with things like ear-training, sight reading, and reading rhythm. I don't think anyone ever used them much.

One day a bunch of us were sitting around in the conference room, not doing much of anything, and one girl let out a tiny burp. One guy (who was a bit of a moron) said something like "Don't you just love it when a girl burps. Of course, none of them can do it very well."

Well, being accomplished in the art of belching, I couldn't let a remark like that go unchallenged. I had to prove him wrong. Out I rip with a prize winner of a belch, that anyone would have been proud of. Then commenced a string of belching back and forth. I was in the middle of a whopper of a door shaking belch when out walks Harlan-Hock-Head-of-the-Music-Department-God-of-Music-and-Every-Music-Student's-Idol from one of those small stalls where he had apparently been the entire time. Oh the shame!